Somedays I sit in bed for more than half of it, usually overheating in the sun under my blankets... aware of being uncomfortable and hot but so fixated on scrolling I cannot even move. I think maybe that's pretty normal for people these days, to have a day or two during the month where you do that. So far today I have almost bought almost 10 different things that were targeted to me through ads on Instagram. I am suprised none of them got me, there have been days recently that I have been much less strong. I am frustrated with it all. That I am putting myself in this position often, of using scrolling and social media to drown out my feelings on an anxious day, and that often those targeted ads get me at the right time and I cave. General feelings of worthlessness after scrolling, changing my own body image, and just a generalized sour taste in your mouth when you finally pull yourself out of it.
Social media is draining and sad for me. For every cute, wholesome, and "faith in humanity restored" posts there are 10 meaningless, hateful, self esteem ruining, or heartbreaking posts to follow it up. I often find that when I start to think about getting off of it, deleting it all, that sort of thing.... I think.... "how come all of these people I know don't feel the same way about it as I do, why is no one else triggered, frustrated, and feeling caught in this loop like I am?" But I know that's not all based on truth, there are many that feel the same that I do, that have specfic schedules to regulate themselves that work for them etc. and I know there are others that want to stay informed best they can, meaning being able to access a more uncensored version of relevant news, which I also understand. News and updates of recent events was truly one of the only things keeping me on Instagram for the past year or two. But there are other ways.
As of now I have feelings of anger towards it all, social media generally but also the fakeness... and somehow also the raw and serious realness sometimes shown as well. I hate the unfiltered randomness of it all. There is something dystopian about watching Palestinian children bleed and cry for their parents, just to watch Nara Smith making sandwiches from scratch next, as if to completely erase seeing something so uncompreheandable. It almost feels sick to have both on the same app. It also often feels impossible to stay in the know and feel like you are allowing youself to have a bit of fun as well without it becoming a loop of guilt and frustration. Basically there is a line that I have not figured out how to tight rope it yet.
I feel guilt for seeming like I care about this war less than other people, that I am not doing enough, etc. I think in most ways it is a valid guilt and I should feel badly about it to some extent. But the thing is that any decent person cares deeply about all of it, feels and internilizes it to some extent, and does whatever they are capable of in order to help the situation. The truth is that not all people are capable of the same amount of activism as others, many people stuggle with simply doing the necessities to keep themselves fed and housed. The assumption that someone who does not "repost" or advocate in the same way doesn't care is often not true and alienates people rather than bringing it all to attention and expanding support. That being said, people who have the time, energy, and overall capabilities to post consistently and advocate are amazing humans for doing so.
Social media has changed me, it's shown me things that have changed my life, and made me laugh. It has also been an extremely toxic friend. Two things can be true at once.
But I am out.
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