thoughts 06/09/25

The days are getting hotter and my itch for the ocean in growing, although it doesn't sound as appealing to make the plunge without my partner Kevin. In the summer of 2022 when we first met, beach days were an almost everyday occurrence. Our schedules happened to line up wonderfully and the days melted together as we started to bend towards each other. I was heavily on Tiktok at the time for no good reason, and our beach jump in's were often recorded (for educational reasons of course).

Quite a lot has changed since then, we both swore off Tiktok, then Instagram, and then all other social media platforms we once relished in. We have cats together now and will be living together in the fall, things have grown, been mended, and blended. I can't help but think about all of it, the process of falling in love with someone, learning them, and the frustration & heartbreak along the way.

Today he left for Japan (again) and I'm just ruminating on it all. The real anxiety set in last night in Seattle. The hotel room was fine, but the toilet made a funny noise, and I couldn't help but truly be confronted with him leaving. We swam in the pool after dinner, and I pretended to be dead while he swam from one end to the other, and treaded water for as long as he could. There was two large skylights above the pool and as he dragged me back and forth I could see us both in the reflections. The pool was looking out onto a half dead grass lawn surrounded by blackberries and there was two used band-aids at different spots on the pools perimeter. No one else came into the pool room, and besides the splashing from us the only noise was mellow ambient music playing on the speakers overhead. I was worried sick about him drowning in Japan.

After the swim I showered and took an edible, siting that I "wouldn't be able to sleep without one", although I knew I would have either way. Stressful situations often make me more tired. We watched Bar Rescue until we literally couldn't anymore and woke up around 7am the next morning sick with anxiety. We had breakfast at the hotel, both hungry with no appetite.

After dropping him off at the airport I went directly to Ikea, arriving the minute they opened. There was a good amount of people who were there right on time as well, which was a bit nauseating since I had day dreamed on the drive there about being the only one in Ikea and being able to cry in a set up bedroom or living room at any moment if necessary. But there were others, specifically a couple picking out furniture together for their apartment, who caught up to me multiple times and seemed to rub the fact that they were in love right in my face. I went through the entire store quite quickly and angerly, not paying attention to prices or being critical about my choices. It was sort of like my alcohol-free version of sad/angry self-harm, getting myself to "let go" and "forget about it" by buying all this stuff I can't really afford right now. I tried not to listen when the cashier told me the total, I just paid, stuffed it all in Kevin's car & rushed home.

At home I ripped into everything, assembling it and putting it into action as soon as I could so it would all blend in and I wouldn't think about how much money I spent. When I realized I was hungry and had very little food, I bit the bullet. I walked the isles on the verge of tears, just getting everything on my list and leaving as quick as I could. Once outside I found someone else's shopping list in an abandoned cart; a sign from Kevin. I also ran into my Grandma, who tried to entice me to her house by offering to give me up a light up "rootbeer" sign she had no use for, and also a Klondike Bar. I denied her offer to come by her house, siting that I had icecream of my own in the car and had to get it home, but I did take up her offer of a Klondike bar, and told her I would come by for the sign tomorrow. When I got in the car to drive home I was almost disappointed that seeing my Grandma had made me less sad, I no longer wanted to cry.