troubles involving life

OVER CONSUMPTION:

living well and happily looks differently for everyone. importance lies in little things. a constant push and pull, an excuse here and there, a deviation from the norm using an exception. why does buying things feel good, why are there so many things that seem made for me but yet are not mine. being the friend who always has the new fun thing doesn't actually feel as fulfilling as it seems it would. it just brings up the question of why other people can see things that they feel are made for them and yet not feel the need to make them part of them. they can stay on the shelf and you will feel the same. it can be acknowledged and appreciated without becoming part of you.

EXISTENTIAL AND INVOLVING SLEEP:

and what is life and what is right, what is the nightly equation for sleep?

even knowing it does not feel possible. everyday is just so different.

HUMAN INTERACTION:

this brings up a larger mountain, for example, speaking extensively with my therapist about connection, and extending it to grocery store interactions where i adamently denied enjoying speaking to people at the grocery store...thirty minutes later, just to spite that, a bond formed over the sake and witch cat book i was buying, and i got a note in my phone out of it (not a normal thing i do). it was the name of the older lady's daughter's recently published book, "a spell for midwinters heart" by morgan lockhart. but yet five minutes later, high on a surprisingly easy connection made, i misunderstood an older lady asking for my empty cart as her making a pass at my saab, by playfully asking "i'd take the car", to which i playfully responded, "no way", because well... i love my car. only to realize seconds later while she was still in range she instead saw me as an easy person to approach to get a cart before even getting in the store. "i'd take the cart". thankfully i was able to fix that.

THE CONNECTION:

i guess my point is i haven't reigned it in yet, it's not perfect science, the connection. most likely it never will be, and i am willing to accept this. it would take twenty years, but i could. at the slightest expression of interest i will share my life story, yet at the same time i am not wrong about not wanting to explain or express myself to strangers. i have yet to understand what it is. connection and hoping to hear and show people that they can also share as unburdened and unapologetically as me is always in the background. does this way of sharing make that goal happen.... rarely. hence the picking apart of my actions and tendencies. feeling self-centered after interactions has become the norm. i should have asked this, i didn't need to share that, and yet sometimes interactions are so silent there is nothing to do but share and hope it helps someone else share something else, as consolation.

FORTUNE COOKIES:

in order to share the things i find important and dare i say necessary... i give the cats fortune cookies around once a month. they do enjoy eating them but i help with the majority, as i don't think they can be that good for cats to eat. dennis and gene both recieved their fortunes tonight.

dennis: "don't worry, be happy!"

gene: "be prepared to let go of material possessions."

both hit them in their own ways, as fortunes always do. think it doesn't apply and you must look deeper.

SELF EXPRESSION:

i gave myself a tattoo last night, one in a style that has interested me recently. an old textbook design. i feel full to the brim with other's ideas. so much so that i struggle with self starting or self designing my own things, some part of me is afraid after noticing my tendency to speak about myself, how bad it could get if i knew how to do everything i found aesthetically pleasing by myself. if everything that i enjoy in life is created by me, please kill me. at the same time, there is balance. i think it is unfair to mooch of others for inspiration constantly. the scary part i think also comes in the fact that what if something i do myself is cool, and someone likes it. and then i feel this wholeee thing about too much self and being so ego driven and etc etc. this is what happened the only time my art has been recognized by someone bigger than a friend or teacher. i completely froze and it felt bad to be recognized.

what the tattoo i gave myself is based off of, an old drawing from a textbook

SELF INDULGENCE:

i don't know why i dislike the idea of people liking things i do that

are purely mine. there is some part of me that is afraid of self indulgence. which is funny considering how many people i see in life that i love and enjoy, yet are very self indulgent, very self important, and truly think of themselves very highly. i do not see these people and think, "they should not feel that way about themselves", "they do not deserve that". okay maybe sometimes in rare online occasions.

SELF HATE:

and i guess what is most obvious in reading this is that i have not accepted myself, whatever myself may be. and this is true, and i knew this, but on a more superficial level. i have not been able to accept how i look. there was a time in middle and highschool where i seemed as though i had, but things changed, and it could have been a lot of factors all at the same time but everything changed and i know exactly when. since then i have checked myself in every reflective surface i have passed. not looking for beauty, but any flaw... and now i have found them all, and i am tired.

FORTUNE COOKIE PT. 2:

i have pulled a cookie for myself as well, always by feel in the box, which ever one feels drawn and right. i cannot help but think about the others that could have been right or what could have been pulled if i went deeper, but whatever, i have made my choice.

lillian: "there are no limitations to the mind expect those we acknowledge"

✪ all written while listening to album "Luk Thung Classic & Obscure 78s from the Thai Countryside"

good place to end this whole thing with.